Marsha's gift

The woman who developed Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Marsha Linehan, "came out" recently about her own struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. It made me smile, because one problem I have always had with therapists of all sorts was whether or not they could view things through my eyes, or if they have ever suffered as I have suffered.

I know from experience that I cannot understand my spousecreature's obsessive compulsive behaviours, and I find I am often impatient with him when I can clearly see he is being irrational about something (lint, for reals). So I have a problem where I wonder how a therapist can properly understand where I am coming from if they have never felt the way I do.

At the same time, I wonder about the moral and ethical side of the argument, whether or not someone who has suffered from a mental illness should work in the psychology industry, or if it is ethically a great big no-no. Obviously there was some degree of "no-no" if Marsha Linehan has kept quiet about her own struggles for so long, even if they were personal "no-no's", but in the end she felt she would do more good being honest about her struggles with mental illness.

I suppose it comes down to individual personality. I know that at this stage in my life, my excess amount of empathy would interfere with working in the mental health field, while someone else who has a mental illness would not have that problem. I do hope that as I get older and a bit more life experience, because I have a feeling I will change into my 30's, I will be at a point where I can enter the mental health field. I would like to save lives, and I would like to make a difference.

But getting back to Marsha Linehan, I have to say a big thank you to her. DBT saved my life, and have given me skills to be a happier and more productive person. I know I am grateful for how she has touched my life, even though she doesn't know my name or anything about me, she just knew I suffered and thanks to her development of DBT I am still here to make a difference to the world with my life.

Marsha Linehan, I honour you and I thank you for your services to the mental health field. Thank you.

Diagnosis

I had my last therapy session yesterday. I walked in knowing I had nothing to say to my therapist, and when she asked me what had been happening I said "Nothing at all, really." She asked me what I wanted to do, and I said that I didn't think I needed another appointment. She smiled, agreed with me and told me she hoped I was proud of me, because I should be proud of me.

Something interesting that we did talk about was my diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder four years ago. My therapist told me yesterday that if I were to go through that process again, it would be a lot harder to get that diagnosis, because I have my disorder controlled to such a point that although I still have the traits of BPD, it would take a lot longer than one session and a lot deeper digging to diagnose me. I have my disorder under control. It makes me grin every time I think those words.

Who ever said that mental illness can't be treated? :)

Conflict

If I could talk about one thing I hated about my diagnosis it would be the fact that I feel my disorder includes a number of personality traits and behaviours that make me someone that people do not like.

I hate how I react to conflict, and any semblance of criticism. I have gotten so upset by a conflict I have lost my cool altogether and spent days crying and feeling horrible about myself, and have even cried that I would rather die than be so sensitive to conflict my entire life. Things that "normal" people would shrug off have made me emotionally incapacitated, in a way that is devastating for me, but hilarious to everyone else, and I admit that the one thing I cannot stand is people laughing at me.

I hate being teased, even in a good natured fashion, and I cannot stand people laughing at me or making fun of something I have done wrong. Maybe it is a remnant of my school days as a bullied child and teenager, but it has made me a person that hates ridicule and is constantly terrified to put a foot out of place.

So, I can't stand conflict, but I am naturally a very prickly person with strong passions and beliefs, who just cannot keep their mouth shut. If there was ever a better recipe for disaster then I have never heard it.

Either way, I feel like parts of my disorder make me a horrible person that everyone hates, and it can be hard to deal with that. It is strange to say, but I could live with emotional instability and fear of abandonment alone, but my increased sensitivity to criticism (particularly perceived criticism) and conflict makes my life a horrible place to be, and while I am working hard to deal with how I respond to conflict (and recently received a compliment on it, which really made my day!), I still feel inappropriate every time I fail to keep my cool with someone.


Are there parts of your diagnosis that you can't stand? Could you deal with your mental health conditions if these parts were to disappear?





I have also changed the name I have on Blogger in an effort to keep my blog and my personal life separate. As I get older, my privacy has become increasingly important, and I talk about many sensitive things on this blog, so I am sure you all understand why I have done this!

The Impossible

I often have moments of concern about whether or not I should view this as a blog where I can talk in a very similar way, or if I should keep an emotional distance. The hard part is finding the acceptable balance, since this is not after all my personal blog, but a very specialised one for an aspect of myself. This following blog post may step over that line, but the things I want to talk about are familiar and emotional.

I learned today that someone close to me is pregnant, which led to me feeling concerned about my own future. I worried I'd never achieve the things I want to achieve - a house on a few acres of land, enough money to even take time off work for pregnancy and such, etc - and it gets to me at times. I look ahead of me and it seems like a giant clock is ticking away. Not in a "my biological clock is ticking" way, but in a "there are only so many years until I'm 30, and then until I'm 40, and how can I achieve x, y and z by this time?" way.

It seems amazing to me that in my lifetime, maybe in not too many years, I could possibly achieve the goals I wish, and my greatest fear is getting to an old age without achieving any of them. At times it seems impossible, but then I look back at my last 5 years.

5 years ago I was in a dead end job at a fast food place, but I was so ill I pretty much never showed up. Thinking about work would drive me into a state - I was crying all the time, having panic attacks, and I was physically ill - and I made hardly any money. I ate food at work and then spent $20 on groceries every week - a dozen eggs, bread, some English muffins, pasta and ramen. I thought I had no future, nothing. I had no money, I was seriously ill, and paranoid about the people around me.

I ended up in a hospital with the choice to either live or die.That was 4 years ago.

Over the next year I went to therapy, and generally changed my perceptions on things. I got a part time job with a friend, that became a full time job. I had money coming in, and I moved out and in with a friend. My boyfriend moved in and then we moved out together as a couple. I stopped working for my friend and opened my own business. Now I earn more than I have ever earned in my life. My disorder is controlled, my relationship is going better than I ever expected to have as a Borderline.

So, the point is, how can I believe anything is impossible? How can I believe that someday I might not have the home I want, kids, a future, when I have already achieved the impossible?

I guess the one good thing my Borderline has taught me is that nothing is impossible.

Jesus is not at the wheel!

I don't know about you guys, but a common trend I have gone through with my disorder is the concept of it being a "personality" disorder, and that somehow the very fabric of my personality was disordered, that everything I was stemmed from the disorder. It was a while before I realised the name was flawed, imperfect, and my personality was not entirely ruled by my disorder.

So when someone commented they felt like a different person when their disorder took control, I flashed back to every disordered situation I'd ever been through, and absolutely agreed with the statement.

Before we get too involved in the tangent I am no doubt going to embark on, let me just clarify that I do not have dissociative identities (to my knowledge) and when I talk about being a different person, watching myself speak, etc it is not in the same sense as a person with DID would experience (I imagine). 

Anyway, continuing with the tangent... There are situations in my every day life, though rarer and rarer these days, where something will flip a switch and I will go from Dimmie to Borderline in 0.23 seconds flat. I, Dimmie, will be inside my brain, clutching at my hair and clawing at my face in horror as Borderline screams, shouts, abuses, rants and otherwise makes a royal cunt of themselves (myself!).

I will be locked inside my head as Borderline says things with venom I would never dream of saying, and it makes me feel powerless that my disease can take control with so little warning. The number of friendships that have ended after Borderline has had a red hot go at them is astouding, and I have shrunk away from mending things out of shame. Shame for the things I have said, and a lot of fear of rejection (which I should talk about, but that can wait for another post).

I absolutely 100% believe that part of my personality is influenced and perhaps controlled by my disorder. Obviously some of my quirks are a direct result of my diagnosis - abandonment fears, 0-100 in a millisecond, and various other exciting things - but everything? Of course not. I think that to believe my entire personality is disordered, a casualty of my disease, is ignorant at best. 

Not for the first time I wish a more accurate and less misleading name could be found for my disease, but in the meantime I will have to live with not having my druthers!

Amplification

If you're anything like me you've heard people scoff at the diagnostic criteria of any given mental illness and claim that those criteria could apply to anyone. Everyone gets a bit down, fears the end of their relationship or being abandoned by the ones they love. Everyone is scared something bad will happen to their loved ones, or is at times unable to see the shades of grey between the black and the white. We all know this is true, so what exactly is it that sets normal personality quirks apart from those of a disordered personality?

Quite simply, I'd say it comes down to severity. Sure, we all fear things in life but when that fear is so strong and starts to rule your life I think it becomes a problem, and then it gets labelled as an anxiety disorder. Everyone gets a bit blue from time to time, but when you're so down you forget to shower for three weeks and don't go to work because you can't get out of bed I'd say we're at the point of clinical depression.

As much as I hate to drop “Girl, Interrupted” quotes, I think the concept that someone with mental illness is “you or me, amplified” has a lot of truth to it.

When these personality quirks become so strong they impede our day-to-day living, at that point it becomes a mental health concern. Is that not the same as so many other physical illnesses? We may all get a bit of a tension headache from time to time, so we pop some Advil and get on with it. When it becomes a migraine so bad we're hiding in a cool closet away from all light and sound? Yep, that's a problem.

I really do think that mental illness is viewed so differently from these physical ailments, and I don't necessarily think we should view them any differently. A wrenched ankle is an ailment, and so too is clinical depression. Both deserve treatment, and neither one is more or less “valid” as an illness. To think this is to alienate a huge number of the population, and because mental illness is mostly such an invisible disease we really can't tell by looking at someone whether or not they have an illness.

An illness is an illness, regardless of whether it is physical or mental, and to be frankly honest all those members of society that scoff at mental illness haven't got a clue about mental illness and should be ignored. They're not professionals, they haven't done any form of education on the subject, and have no right to drop science on the subject. So you're well within you're rights to tell them to shove it up their ass.

The Unlovable Borderline

There is a lot of stigma about Borderline Personality Disorder and interpersonal relationships, particularly romantic relationships. If you've ever gone looking for it, there is a whole lot of information on the internet for those afflicted by the Borderline... um, sorry, I mean those in relationships with Borderlines. For the Borderline this can be horrifying and daunting, to go looking for information to help you with your disease and instead find entire websites devoted to helping your spouse divorce you without you killing yourself. Very uplifting stuff, right?

So I obviously went through a whole lot of tears thinking I wasn't capable of having a stable relationship. Not only was I not capable, but I didn't deserve one either because of this dirty, dirty disease. At the time my relationship was very tumultuous, so that did nothing to assuage my fears that I was doomed to a life with horribly volcanic and angry arguments and dramas in my love life. My relationship was on-again, off-again due to a variety of factors that truly weren't solely to do with me and my disease, and as they say it really does take two to tango.

Eventually though things started evening out. It was like my relationship was ironing its own kinks out, and on Sunday I will be celebrating the five year anniversary with my partner, M. We've been living together for a year now, and things are better than I had ever expected. Arguments are rare, and we do all those things I thought I would never do with anyone. We go to the nursery to buy plants for our little outdoor dining area, do laundry and make dinner on weeknights. All truly mundane things I thought that I, as a Borderline, would never be able to do with someone.

It truly is like my life is being spent looking for new and exciting ways to give my illness to finger, and in so many ways I am succeeding. So Borderline? Fuck you!

Between what and what?

The proposed revisions for DSM-V are available to view on the internet and so I went along and had a read of the revision for Borderline Personality Disorder. I was pleased with the revisions, but this has led me to start thinking a lot more about my illness lately, and I have come to terms with and realised a few things about what it actually means to be Borderline.

So what have I realised? Honestly, what I have realised is that the majority of people who know what BPD is either a) thinks the disorder doesn't actually exist, or b) they fucking hate us. No, really.

Let me elaborate a bit. I have been reading on a lot of forums about people who have been diagnosed with BPD and their experiences in the mental health industry. The consensus seems to be that once they had their diagnosis, professional support was withdrawn and they were treated with disdain. At least nine out of ten people had negative experiences as a direct result of their diagnosis. I used to be that one person in ten that didn't... until I actually started looking back and scrutinising my experiences in the mental health system, and then it became apparent that I never really did receive the support I should have. For example, after I was diagnosed (five days into my seven days stay in hospital for a suicide attempt) the doctors and nurses started telling me I was using a bed that could be used for someone with real needs (in those words), and when I was diagnosed, my doctors gave me only the name of my disorder and a prescription. I was never offered an explanation of what I actually suffered from, and had to learn it for myself from the DSM-IV.

My experience was not bad by any means though obviously it was not as helpful as it could have been. However, it is certainly an example of how the system will treat you differently after a diagnosis of BPD. Other experiences I have read about have been much worse. Someone once mentioned on a forum that while an inpatient a large amount of work was done to organise continuing care and support for when they left the hospital. Once they were diagnosed with BPD, those plans were cancelled and the individual was left with no support once they were discharged from the unit.

I sent my mother a link to the proposed revision of Borderline and made the comment of Borderline's being treated differently by the medical field which prompted her to contact a friend who worked for a long time in the mental health field. Her friend confirmed that doctors and nurses do indeed treat Borderline patients differently. She once asked a doctor why they virtually ignored people with BPD and received the answer that "they can't be helped anyway". I recently also witnessed a mental health worker talking about Borderline patients and her comments were that we are "impossible" to deal with unless medicated, and that we were unpredictable and abusive.

When I was first diagnosed I went looking on the Internet for resources about Borderline to help me. All I found were resources to help the abused partners of Borderlines seeking advice on how to leave a Borderline and divorce advice, as well as sad stories about the children of Borderlines being abused by their parent. This worried and upset me so much that I was afraid to live. I knew what my disease was, finally, and was ready to fight it, but what was the point in knowing my disease when I would just become a husband and child abuser? What was the point in living, in fact? Obviously I did fight my disease, and I am now in a relationship, but every time my irrational and quick anger fights through and I say something nasty to my partner I have this sinking feeling inside me. I mean, not only am I afraid to lose myself to my anger and hurt my loved ones, but I am also afraid of passing on whatever genetic link exists inside me to my children and having to watch them suffer from the same demons that I do.

After that little side-track, I suppose I would like to know why the medical profession despises Borderlines so much. Is it because they view us as manipulators and liars just trying to get attention? This reminds me of the debate about whether or not people who self-injure for attention are worthy of support or help, and my argument has ever been that no matter why they self-injure there is still something wrong and they still deserve help. So with a disorder like Borderline which is characterised by desperate and manipulating attempts to avoid abandonment would a doctor not just see that as part of the disease that needs to be treated? Would a doctor not see irrational anger and abuse to be part of the disease that the individual needs to be helped overcome? Or are Borderlines simply placed in the "Too Hard" basket and left to become the abusive parents they become when left untreated?

Everyone has the right to supportive treatment by the mental health field, no matter what their disorder is or how mild that disorder might be. No one should be left to fend for themselves or go untreated because a doctor feels that they are undeserving of treatment.

So to every Borderline that is reading this, I want you to know that you deserve treatment and support. You can, with treatment, live a healthy life and manage your disorder. You're not destined to be an abusive partner or parent. You're not undeserving, and you're not impossible or untreatable. So next time someone tries to shrug you off, stand up and demand the respect and help that you deserve.