May 27, 2011


If I could talk about one thing I hated about my diagnosis it would be the fact that I feel my disorder includes a number of personality traits and behaviours that make me someone that people do not like.

I hate how I react to conflict, and any semblance of criticism. I have gotten so upset by a conflict I have lost my cool altogether and spent days crying and feeling horrible about myself, and have even cried that I would rather die than be so sensitive to conflict my entire life. Things that "normal" people would shrug off have made me emotionally incapacitated, in a way that is devastating for me, but hilarious to everyone else, and I admit that the one thing I cannot stand is people laughing at me.

I hate being teased, even in a good natured fashion, and I cannot stand people laughing at me or making fun of something I have done wrong. Maybe it is a remnant of my school days as a bullied child and teenager, but it has made me a person that hates ridicule and is constantly terrified to put a foot out of place.

So, I can't stand conflict, but I am naturally a very prickly person with strong passions and beliefs, who just cannot keep their mouth shut. If there was ever a better recipe for disaster then I have never heard it.

Either way, I feel like parts of my disorder make me a horrible person that everyone hates, and it can be hard to deal with that. It is strange to say, but I could live with emotional instability and fear of abandonment alone, but my increased sensitivity to criticism (particularly perceived criticism) and conflict makes my life a horrible place to be, and while I am working hard to deal with how I respond to conflict (and recently received a compliment on it, which really made my day!), I still feel inappropriate every time I fail to keep my cool with someone.

Are there parts of your diagnosis that you can't stand? Could you deal with your mental health conditions if these parts were to disappear?

I have also changed the name I have on Blogger in an effort to keep my blog and my personal life separate. As I get older, my privacy has become increasingly important, and I talk about many sensitive things on this blog, so I am sure you all understand why I have done this!