April 24, 2011

The Impossible

I often have moments of concern about whether or not I should view this as a blog where I can talk in a very similar way, or if I should keep an emotional distance. The hard part is finding the acceptable balance, since this is not after all my personal blog, but a very specialised one for an aspect of myself. This following blog post may step over that line, but the things I want to talk about are familiar and emotional.

I learned today that someone close to me is pregnant, which led to me feeling concerned about my own future. I worried I'd never achieve the things I want to achieve - a house on a few acres of land, enough money to even take time off work for pregnancy and such, etc - and it gets to me at times. I look ahead of me and it seems like a giant clock is ticking away. Not in a "my biological clock is ticking" way, but in a "there are only so many years until I'm 30, and then until I'm 40, and how can I achieve x, y and z by this time?" way.

It seems amazing to me that in my lifetime, maybe in not too many years, I could possibly achieve the goals I wish, and my greatest fear is getting to an old age without achieving any of them. At times it seems impossible, but then I look back at my last 5 years.

5 years ago I was in a dead end job at a fast food place, but I was so ill I pretty much never showed up. Thinking about work would drive me into a state - I was crying all the time, having panic attacks, and I was physically ill - and I made hardly any money. I ate food at work and then spent $20 on groceries every week - a dozen eggs, bread, some English muffins, pasta and ramen. I thought I had no future, nothing. I had no money, I was seriously ill, and paranoid about the people around me.

I ended up in a hospital with the choice to either live or die.That was 4 years ago.

Over the next year I went to therapy, and generally changed my perceptions on things. I got a part time job with a friend, that became a full time job. I had money coming in, and I moved out and in with a friend. My boyfriend moved in and then we moved out together as a couple. I stopped working for my friend and opened my own business. Now I earn more than I have ever earned in my life. My disorder is controlled, my relationship is going better than I ever expected to have as a Borderline.

So, the point is, how can I believe anything is impossible? How can I believe that someday I might not have the home I want, kids, a future, when I have already achieved the impossible?

I guess the one good thing my Borderline has taught me is that nothing is impossible.

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