Marsha's gift

The woman who developed Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Marsha Linehan, "came out" recently about her own struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. It made me smile, because one problem I have always had with therapists of all sorts was whether or not they could view things through my eyes, or if they have ever suffered as I have suffered.

I know from experience that I cannot understand my spousecreature's obsessive compulsive behaviours, and I find I am often impatient with him when I can clearly see he is being irrational about something (lint, for reals). So I have a problem where I wonder how a therapist can properly understand where I am coming from if they have never felt the way I do.

At the same time, I wonder about the moral and ethical side of the argument, whether or not someone who has suffered from a mental illness should work in the psychology industry, or if it is ethically a great big no-no. Obviously there was some degree of "no-no" if Marsha Linehan has kept quiet about her own struggles for so long, even if they were personal "no-no's", but in the end she felt she would do more good being honest about her struggles with mental illness.

I suppose it comes down to individual personality. I know that at this stage in my life, my excess amount of empathy would interfere with working in the mental health field, while someone else who has a mental illness would not have that problem. I do hope that as I get older and a bit more life experience, because I have a feeling I will change into my 30's, I will be at a point where I can enter the mental health field. I would like to save lives, and I would like to make a difference.

But getting back to Marsha Linehan, I have to say a big thank you to her. DBT saved my life, and have given me skills to be a happier and more productive person. I know I am grateful for how she has touched my life, even though she doesn't know my name or anything about me, she just knew I suffered and thanks to her development of DBT I am still here to make a difference to the world with my life.

Marsha Linehan, I honour you and I thank you for your services to the mental health field. Thank you.

Jesus is not at the wheel!

I don't know about you guys, but a common trend I have gone through with my disorder is the concept of it being a "personality" disorder, and that somehow the very fabric of my personality was disordered, that everything I was stemmed from the disorder. It was a while before I realised the name was flawed, imperfect, and my personality was not entirely ruled by my disorder.

So when someone commented they felt like a different person when their disorder took control, I flashed back to every disordered situation I'd ever been through, and absolutely agreed with the statement.

Before we get too involved in the tangent I am no doubt going to embark on, let me just clarify that I do not have dissociative identities (to my knowledge) and when I talk about being a different person, watching myself speak, etc it is not in the same sense as a person with DID would experience (I imagine). 

Anyway, continuing with the tangent... There are situations in my every day life, though rarer and rarer these days, where something will flip a switch and I will go from Dimmie to Borderline in 0.23 seconds flat. I, Dimmie, will be inside my brain, clutching at my hair and clawing at my face in horror as Borderline screams, shouts, abuses, rants and otherwise makes a royal cunt of themselves (myself!).

I will be locked inside my head as Borderline says things with venom I would never dream of saying, and it makes me feel powerless that my disease can take control with so little warning. The number of friendships that have ended after Borderline has had a red hot go at them is astouding, and I have shrunk away from mending things out of shame. Shame for the things I have said, and a lot of fear of rejection (which I should talk about, but that can wait for another post).

I absolutely 100% believe that part of my personality is influenced and perhaps controlled by my disorder. Obviously some of my quirks are a direct result of my diagnosis - abandonment fears, 0-100 in a millisecond, and various other exciting things - but everything? Of course not. I think that to believe my entire personality is disordered, a casualty of my disease, is ignorant at best. 

Not for the first time I wish a more accurate and less misleading name could be found for my disease, but in the meantime I will have to live with not having my druthers!

Between what and what?

The proposed revisions for DSM-V are available to view on the internet and so I went along and had a read of the revision for Borderline Personality Disorder. I was pleased with the revisions, but this has led me to start thinking a lot more about my illness lately, and I have come to terms with and realised a few things about what it actually means to be Borderline.

So what have I realised? Honestly, what I have realised is that the majority of people who know what BPD is either a) thinks the disorder doesn't actually exist, or b) they fucking hate us. No, really.

Let me elaborate a bit. I have been reading on a lot of forums about people who have been diagnosed with BPD and their experiences in the mental health industry. The consensus seems to be that once they had their diagnosis, professional support was withdrawn and they were treated with disdain. At least nine out of ten people had negative experiences as a direct result of their diagnosis. I used to be that one person in ten that didn't... until I actually started looking back and scrutinising my experiences in the mental health system, and then it became apparent that I never really did receive the support I should have. For example, after I was diagnosed (five days into my seven days stay in hospital for a suicide attempt) the doctors and nurses started telling me I was using a bed that could be used for someone with real needs (in those words), and when I was diagnosed, my doctors gave me only the name of my disorder and a prescription. I was never offered an explanation of what I actually suffered from, and had to learn it for myself from the DSM-IV.

My experience was not bad by any means though obviously it was not as helpful as it could have been. However, it is certainly an example of how the system will treat you differently after a diagnosis of BPD. Other experiences I have read about have been much worse. Someone once mentioned on a forum that while an inpatient a large amount of work was done to organise continuing care and support for when they left the hospital. Once they were diagnosed with BPD, those plans were cancelled and the individual was left with no support once they were discharged from the unit.

I sent my mother a link to the proposed revision of Borderline and made the comment of Borderline's being treated differently by the medical field which prompted her to contact a friend who worked for a long time in the mental health field. Her friend confirmed that doctors and nurses do indeed treat Borderline patients differently. She once asked a doctor why they virtually ignored people with BPD and received the answer that "they can't be helped anyway". I recently also witnessed a mental health worker talking about Borderline patients and her comments were that we are "impossible" to deal with unless medicated, and that we were unpredictable and abusive.

When I was first diagnosed I went looking on the Internet for resources about Borderline to help me. All I found were resources to help the abused partners of Borderlines seeking advice on how to leave a Borderline and divorce advice, as well as sad stories about the children of Borderlines being abused by their parent. This worried and upset me so much that I was afraid to live. I knew what my disease was, finally, and was ready to fight it, but what was the point in knowing my disease when I would just become a husband and child abuser? What was the point in living, in fact? Obviously I did fight my disease, and I am now in a relationship, but every time my irrational and quick anger fights through and I say something nasty to my partner I have this sinking feeling inside me. I mean, not only am I afraid to lose myself to my anger and hurt my loved ones, but I am also afraid of passing on whatever genetic link exists inside me to my children and having to watch them suffer from the same demons that I do.

After that little side-track, I suppose I would like to know why the medical profession despises Borderlines so much. Is it because they view us as manipulators and liars just trying to get attention? This reminds me of the debate about whether or not people who self-injure for attention are worthy of support or help, and my argument has ever been that no matter why they self-injure there is still something wrong and they still deserve help. So with a disorder like Borderline which is characterised by desperate and manipulating attempts to avoid abandonment would a doctor not just see that as part of the disease that needs to be treated? Would a doctor not see irrational anger and abuse to be part of the disease that the individual needs to be helped overcome? Or are Borderlines simply placed in the "Too Hard" basket and left to become the abusive parents they become when left untreated?

Everyone has the right to supportive treatment by the mental health field, no matter what their disorder is or how mild that disorder might be. No one should be left to fend for themselves or go untreated because a doctor feels that they are undeserving of treatment.

So to every Borderline that is reading this, I want you to know that you deserve treatment and support. You can, with treatment, live a healthy life and manage your disorder. You're not destined to be an abusive partner or parent. You're not undeserving, and you're not impossible or untreatable. So next time someone tries to shrug you off, stand up and demand the respect and help that you deserve.